Why Does God Hate ME? (Giants/Rams Recap)
After suffering through an offseason where every dickhead with a microphone couldn’t mention my quarterback without uttering the words “blue tent” or “if he can stay healthy,” I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find it a little humorous that just about every other young quarterback went down as my guy ascended to the tier of the elite. However, I deliberately refrained from any sort of grave dancing, in hopes that my non-participation in the Caleb Williams meme trend would generate some sort of karmic force that would protect my sweet baby boy all season long.
Unfortunately, my noble sacrifice was all for naught, as Dart would soon be sandwiched into a mid-air Michael Jackson move just seven plays into Monday night’s contest against the Rams.
We should’ve known better. Anyone who’s ever had the pleasure of experiencing an eight-day bender knows damn well that the other shoe will inevitably drop. As Giants fans, we rode the incredible high of one of the biggest wins of the decade, only to be hit with the euphoric comedown of yet another primetime embarrassment.
As I sat there contemplating the method by which I would burn our house to the ground, we slowly received positive bits of information from the ESPN broadcast. He walked off under his own power (still not making Caleb jokes — credit to me), wasn’t immediately taken to the X-ray room, and even appeared on the sideline in swaggy street clothes for much of the second half. Compared to the horrible thoughts we were all having, everything was going to be fine. Relatively speaking.
What was not fine was the performance that followed. Between the turnovers, dropped passes, and their fatso kicker shanking a field goal at the buzzer, the Rams gave the Giants ample opportunity not only to recover from the shock of Dart’s injury, but to remain in the game throughout the first half. But much like the dyslexic kid in your English class, the Giants never came close to capitalizing.
Jameis Winston was the darling of the offseason, somehow transforming his image from doofy bust to the Mr. Rogers of backup quarterbacks. So much so that the FIFA World Cup correspondent earned an extension that would keep him as the team’s QB insurance policy and comedic relief through the 2028 season. Winston’s relief appearance was so horrible that this unanimously praised move has now been added to Schoen’s ever-growing rolodex of questionable contract offers.
Where was that dominant rushing attack from Week 1? Was Dart’s cadence/threat to run the only thing propping up this house of cards that is a Matt Nagy offense?
When does this “elite” pass rush plan on pressuring the quarterback? Our corners were obviously outmatched. No one was expecting Colton Hood to put the straps on Davante in his first career start. So how about any one of the guys picked 15 minutes into the draft getting a hand on Stafford?
Most importantly, why does Harbaugh have a thousand-yard stare while our injured starters remain in an unwinnable game, only to get more injured? The fact that there was no room in the blue tent for Brian Burns because Andrew Thomas was already in there with four minutes left, down 28-6, is some sort of sick, Daboll-esque joke.
As embarrassing and familiar as that sequence of bullshit was, this doesn’t have to be the end of a season that was so promising (for eight whole days). This is why you brought in a John Harbaugh. Right the ship and win some ball games against some weaker, shittier-coached teams.
Hopefully, we’ve learned our lesson about sniffing our own farts a bit too hard after one week. I still believe in this team and know that the visibly rattled version of the Giants will be nowhere to be found come Sunday. Then, our hero Jaxson Dart will return on his white horse and lead the team back to the promised land.
UPDATE: I want to die. I hate everything. Sports suck.
