Is this the Best Soccer Team Ever Assembled?

To be perfectly frank, I had every intention of taking the cynical prick approach to covering this World Cup, and more specifically, the US National Team. After watching a half-dozen iterations of this team fall flat on their faces, its natural for us as a nation to put our guard up and take the “I don’t give a shit about soccer” approach. And let’s be honest, this defense mechanism has served as better fortification than the washed up MLS Center Backs we’ve trotted out year after year.

But given our fortunate group draw and the fact we’re entering year 7 of the “golden generation”, I genuinely believed this team was capable of making a run. Of course, by “run” i meant eking out enough 1-0 victories and flukey draws to squeak out of the group stage, ultimately getting dominated in the knockout round by the first legitimate team we run into. A USMNT tradition like no other.

When I learned that Paraguay was some sort of defensive stalwart that locked down the likes of Argentina and Brazil in qualifying, I think it was fair to expect “the under” in an uninspiring, dull, 90-minute affair. As it turns out, this crazy, Argentine, Russell Crowe in Crocodile Hunter garb had other plans.

From the opening whistle, it was evidently clear that this was not your grandpa’s Men’s National Team. The run and gun offense on display was something straight out of a FIFA game played against said grandpa. The US team generated chance after chance, and before you knew it, they had equaled their goal total from last World Cup in a single half.

Nearly the entire first 45 minutes were played exclusively on the Paraguayan side of the field as the Americans drove up the sidelines at will. The same passes I’ve watched ricochet 10 yards off some bum’s shinguard were perfectly received. The usual attempts to break down defenders one on one ended in complete embarrassment, this time for our opponents.

Balogun’s second and Reyna’s exclamation point were two of the best finishes I’ve ever seen from American born players. The fact that we don’t have to rely on garbage goals, set pieces, and pure luck feels like such a game changer. On top of that, they can apparently use video review to combat the flopping nonsense that has plagued us for years? Are we going to fuck around and win this whole damn thing?

I’m obviously getting way ahead of my skis here but how can you not be inspired by the dominance we witnessed last night? This tournament only comes around every four years and who knows the next time we’ll have this crop of talent led by a seemingly competent manager. So why not get swept up in this team and choose to believe?

So with that, I’m hereby declaring independence from the “I’d rather find $20 on the ground than win the World Cup” crowd and buying the fuck in on this team. I’ve completed my own “Mistaken Identity” review of US Soccer and see now that we can hang 4 goals on anyone, at any time.

So take your much needed “Hydration Break” and use these next 6 days to retool and refuel. Because while I don’t know much about soccer, I know Friday is going to be a day to be an Australian…or a US Commemorative Michelob Ultra bottle.